Guys Acting Like Jerks to Get a Relationship?
by Sam Alex
I mentioned in my recent post about combat dating that there is evidence that relationship-minded men are hiding their true good intentions because they’ve learned they can’t get the girl that way.
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Research has long confirmed that women are drawn to men who exhibit the Dark Triad traits: narcissism, thrill-seeking and deceitfulness. Men who score highest on these traits have the greatest number of sexual partners and focus on short-term affairs.
That awareness has been leading young men of good character to adopt the asshole strategy in order to get attention from women. However, they’re only pretending to be jerks, and must constantly remind themselves not to give away their true intention, which is to get a girlfiend.
How screwed up is that? Reports of young women avoiding commitment have either been increasing, or I’m just becoming more aware of them. Yesterday I received this email from a male reader in his 20s:
Hey Susan,
Here’s an example of what I have to put up with and the kind of behavior that drives me to the dark side as well.
A girl I knew a couple of years ago and whom I lost contact with got in touch a couple of weeks ago. We went on a date. We had a really good time catching up and I thought we clicked well (I liked her first time around but thought she was a bit of a tease back then, maybe she had grown up a little as she is almost 24 now… well she hadn’t changed as you’ll see).
2nd meetup we went to a street market and then a bar where we kissed a little. Due to a set of circumstances I won’t go into I ended up at her place (I couldn’t make the journey home) and slept in her bed but didn’t make any move other than a good night kiss. The little players / devils on my shoulder told me to make a move; ‘you snooze you lose’ etc. But I thought that since I’ve known her for a while I can take things a bit slower. After all she knows me and knows I have the balls to make a move if I want to.
For our next date she flaked due to a bad hangover from partying the night before (warning!). Her apology was pathetic, when I asked how she was going to make it up to me she texted: “I’ll invite you to my birthday party and you can buy me drinks all night” my simple “No” was answered with “Too bad, you lost your chance with me”.
Now as I said earlier I have a vague recollection of similar behaviour when we first met a couple of years ago so I wasn’t too shocked.
But I just don’t understand the motivation behind it? Why go through the trouble of looking me up after 3 years, adding me on FaceBook, meeting up with me, only to shoot me down so harshly, either because I didn’t sleep with her when I had the chance or because I won’t suck up to her afterwards? Either way it’s bizarre.
If she wasn’t feeling a spark with me, that’s fine. If she wanted to hookup and thinks I’m a pussy for not going for it, that’s fine. If she met some other guy that was cooler than me, that’s fine. But why go out of her way to try and humiliate me?
I’ll be honest, when things like this happen (and it happens often enough) I makes me realize that I should never deviate from the game-plan, which is to try to sleep with women as soon as possible. If I don’t someone else will and those guys are the ones that will have a shot at turning these girls into girlfriends, not the guys who decided to wait a even couple of days.
Anyway… just thought you’d like to hear a story from the front!
Wow. Just wow. This is fascinating, in a car wreck sort of way. How is this even possible? “I’ll do you a favor and let you buy me drinks all night? That’s your consolation prize for not delivering your inner asshole when you had the chance.”
Guys acting like jerks to get laid is nothing new. What is new, at least to me, is reports of guys acting like jerks to get a relationship. The implications of this, strategically speaking, are staggering for both sexes. In the chaos of battle there is always opportunity, and I plan to write more about this when I return home in a few days. For now, though, I’m eager to hear your thoughts.
Do guys employ strategies for displaying Dark Triad traits with all women, or do you try to distinguish?
Is signaling openness to a relationship really the kiss of death? Even if you make it clear the woman must earn that commitment?
Do women seeking relationships have any idea men feel this way? If you really want a boyfriend, do you hope for one with a guy who will try for sex the first night? Is respectful behavior a deal breaker?
Would you hold it against a guy if he pressed hard for sex right away? Or are you flattered that he finds you hot?
Are these the hardened riders of the cock carousel? What percentage of women are we talking about here?
